DAFFYNITIONS

The following are from the Washington Post Style Invitational
(a weekly contest for readers).
The idea is to redefine words from the dictionary.

Abdicate --
v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Carcinoma --
n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Esplanade --
v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly --
adj., impotent.

Flabbergasted --
adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent --
adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph --
v., to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle --
n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Bustard --
n., a very rude Metrobus driver.

Coffee --
n., a person who is coughed upon.

Flatulence --
n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up
after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash --
n., a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle --
n., a humorous question to an exam.

Semantics --
n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood,
including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's
prayer book together just before vespers.

Rectitude --
n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Marionettes --
n., residents of Washington who have been
jerked around by the mayor.

Oyster --
n., a person who sprinkles his conversation
with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent --
n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.